March 21st 2012 Wednesday.

Malcolm X,  once said, "By any means necessary." And so, with that statement in mind, comes my new blog, which in actual fact for me right now, just so happens to be a necessary means, that goes hand in hand with a lot of other necessary means, to help me get to my weight loss goal. 

I joined weight watchers on March 6, 2012 a Tuesday, after making my way down a very long line of women waiting to get weighted in. With half a mind, (thankfully I didn't listen to it.) I wanted to leave, as the negative bombarded my mind with a hundred different reasons why I shouldn't have come.


Negative Talk.


Your here again? You can't be serious? You stupid girl, thinking that a different location will change everything, how many times have you done this? LEAVE! Your fat! face it, it's the way your meant to be,  and at your age no one expects you to be anything but fat, hell everyone is use to it.  Your just wasting your time and money again! Besides you have a gift certificate to the Bone Fish Grill and you know how much you like the food there, and once you start this, you won't be able to go there again, worse than that you'll loose weight and your shoes will all be too big, and you love your shoes, you just bought a lot of new ones, not to mention the clothes you just bought,  you can't afford to buy clothes just to give them over to Good Will, so you better quit whilst the goings good, LEAVE.


Good job know one could hear.


Looking around the hall, I saw women talking, reading, sipping water, sitting quietly and buying weight watchers munchies.  More mind racing thoughts,  Don't buy another thing not a single book, magazine, snack, or 3 month tracker, look away, So I did, but the closer I got the more I became interested to see what was new, oh wow blackberry gummy chews, I love those.


More thoughts,  you know your jeans are going to weigh a whopping 5lbs don't you? so you won't really know how much you weigh, so why don't you be a good little, ok fat little girl and waddle your behind out of here, haul ass and get out of here, you can't weigh in naked, and you know how much you weigh naked, so a weight watchers scale with 5lb weighing jeans, can only give you news that you won't want to hear, so cop out now, no one here knows you, so, why don't you just pretend that you forgot something in the car, make an excuse to the women in front and now behind you, and walk out the door.  


But I kept inching down in the line,  more thoughts, Don't tell me your really going to part with more money to do this? come on now, LEAVE!

Only I didn't, I felt scared, and I have never felt that before joining Weight Watchers, but I think that my fears were like the poem says, "my deepest fear is not that I am inadequate my deepest fear is that I could be powerful beyond all measure," My life could be powerful at my goal weight,  my life will change how I dress,  how i shop, what and how I eat, my friends even, who I attract or become attracted too. It will change, because deep down inside, this fat me isn't who I really want to be, it's like I've settled for less than I know I deserve because of the weight.  Yeah I'll admit that  I don't know the slim me, because I haven't seen her in a very long time, I don't know who she is because I'm yet to become her. But I do know this, I can't be this fat person anymore.
and regardless of how many times I've done this in the past, it's got to be more than saying i have to loose weight and paying a few dollars to get the latest program, it's got to be a life style change, I’ve had enough, run out of excuses, and I'm tired of been the fat one among friends, I'm tired of hiding of not wanting to take pictures because my double chin will show, I've had enough, of feeling heavy and large and like my fat enters a room before i do, if that makes sense. I'm tired of yo yo up 15 down 10 up 20 up 30 down 2 way of living.


I should be 145 lbs 


The cover up,  hide away, insecure, low self esteem feelings that comes from being fat, are heavier than I weigh, and yet I lug it around with me every single day, stressed out because of it. I can't even take a compliment without making a joke of it, because I think that if I laugh about the fat, people won't think that i don't know that I am fat.

I run from cameras, during a time when everyone is snap happy and, it's stressful and totally silly to live like that, because that one act of someone pointing a camera at me can change my entire mood and like a slap in the face remind me that I am FAT even if by some chance I felt no so fat. Case in point, I felt good the other day, sexy and like I had it going on, new dress, nice make up and hair, only thing that wasn't too perfect was that I wore some black sandles that I had to squeeze my feet into, because of course my feet are fatter than when i first bought them, but regardless I felt in that moment like the best chips and gourmet dip,  and out for a night on the town with a new group of friends I felt alive, happy and giggly I was having fun.  So when the girls whipped out the cameras I thought why not, just take some pictures it won't hurt i look good,  only when the pictures hit Facebook I wanted to cry, I couldn't believe that she the one between her new friends, was really me, every flippin Kodak imprinted part of me. Bigger than all the rest, large knees, double chin, fat arms, huge belly and just looking like I didn't belong, among my thin friends almost misfit, God forgive me.


I AM FAT!  I didn't want the pictures on Facebook but they weren't my pictures to take down, so there they were for days,  large and in living color for everyone to see, and I'm sure say wow look at the size of her legs. Standing in the church hall, among all of those strangers, the only one that knew in that moment how hurtful that was to me was me.

So, by any means necessary I'm  here ready to peel away the layers and watch the fat melt away,  so yeah I took the steps that bought me closer to the scales, as I looked around and thought, this is totally ridiculous, to be here again, different place, but the drill is the same, I've done it countless times but I have to do it right this time. My true happiness the core of my very being depends upon it. 


I want to start living my best life.


From Weight Watchers modern Weigh in centers to this church hall, with some sort of make shift Weight Watchers Center thingamajig cabinet looking metal pantry or whatever it  was before it became the diamond in the rough full of valuable tools and stuff, it's all the same, I'm not where I want to be and it has nothing to do with the place, but everything to do with wanting to feel good inside my skin.

Thinking back the last time that I was successful on Weight Watchers, was in a place just like this, this is what I need, heck I'd go to a stable if it meant achieving my goal, I don't need the glitz, I just need a supportive weight loss family and a leader that is straight up and down someone that I can relate to, and feel as though she or he cares, Hmmm never had a He leader in all the times I've joined what’s with that? I don’t know, who cares? 


Oh my goodness  is that her? The leader, yep LEAVE, back up and  turn around and leave, No, YES, No, Yes NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I'm staying and with feet grounded on the tile floor, I'm greeted by Diane, the hand that's going to lead me to where I want to be. She Cares!!!!!!!!!! I feel it in my toes, Oh my goodness, I'm home!

Shoes off, step on scale, hello 216.2  lbs of me, even if my jeans weigh 5lbs, step off, good bye, I’m staying, and I do so knowing that I’m never going to be this weight again!